What have I been rebelling against all along?
I was sitting on a subway, reading The Art of Gathering, when a single quote recontextualized my entire life:
What have you rebelled against in the past, and what are you rebelling against now? — Theodore Zeldin
Having recently left my job, I was very clear about my current rebellion, refusing to conform to the paternalistic, misogynistic, capitalistic, imperialistic, and racist society in which we find ourselves. Within moments of reading that quote, it was clear that the constraints and norms of our society were what I had unknowingly been rebelling against my entire life.
In 12th grade, despite having had co-ed gym since kindergarten, our gym teacher decided that the boys and girls in the 6th-period gym class could no longer play together. Why? Because the star football player could not control his emotions when the “band geek girls” dared to beat him at floor hockey.
In my twenties, I left my career as a massage therapist because a man experienced an unassisted happy ending while face down on my massage table. (I had been rubbing his back.)
In my thirties, my boss at a large corporation awarded the promotion I had earned to someone from outside the company because I had no idea what it was like to be the sole breadwinner, responsible for caring for a wife and two children.
Around this same time, my mother told me to be less capable around my father because I was emasculating him. A few years later, after realizing I was correct and he was not, my father said, “I don’t know why we educated you.”
Throughout my forties, multiple men and at least one woman at the executive level suggested that I adopt the behaviors that had helped them to be successful, creating an illusion of supporting women but expecting them to behave like any white man in corporate America to maintain the status quo.
Looking back at these and numerous other examples, I can see that my life’s latest chapter is not a new beginning. It’s a continuation of the heroine’s journey I have been on all along.
